So much to say, so little time!

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

I was thinking about getting this tattooed on me. What to you guys think?

I feel worthless. A part of me always has and probably always will. I hate this feeling. There are days that  it’s more overwhelming then others. Today is one of those days. Part of it is the feeling of fear of having to close the bakery by myself. My worst fear at the moment is not being able to answer a customers question. I’m not so afraid of messing up because Tyf isn’t going to be really mad since it’s my first time closing by myself. My sense of worth has been low way before I got this job part of it stems from working at cinemark. Demanding perfection while not ever giving me little if any praise for doing something right or praise worth. Working some where that is more then willing to give you the criticism but not a little praise has done a number on me. I wish I could change this about me. I have no clue how to begin. A part of me doesn’t want to fix it because it’s all I’ve ever known. Change always has scared me. Changing me in this big drastic way makes me wonder if I’ll be the same person. Will I be able to serve and care for others in the same way. I could be able to serve them better but I fear that it comes out being a whole lot worse. I really want to be able to be the best person God created me to be but the requires trust and change. Getting myself to change is like pulling teeth. Getting myself to do something different stirs up all the anxiety. I try to avoid at all cost. I don’t know when the last time I’ve been the honest with how I’m feeling. This includes myself. I’m hoping with small changes like journaling and then sharing what I write with people will be the seed to make other big changes in my life. The last thing I’ll say about this today is that I feel like talking about myself worth being low is a broken record. Maybe it just seems that way to me because I’m always around myself. This is a big hope of mine. God, please don’t let this be the thing that pushes people away from me. 

Whenever a big change happens in my life self doubt seems to creep in. For me the past year has been full of changes. There have been at least 2 big changes that continue to scare me and that are helping me to grow. 

The first big change that has happened is the decision to start attending Axis. Before this I didn’t really have anyone that I consistently hung out with. I  especially didn’t have anyone keeping up with was going on with me and keeping me accountable for things. If I really think about it, I’ve never had these kind of relationships before this. What I mean by that statement is that I have people who want me to be around. They invite me to do things and miss me when I’m not around. I know I can be difficult to be around sometimes because of my awkwardness.  These people are willing to put up with it and keep me around. You guys are amazing and I love you. 

The second one being that I switched jobs. I no longer work for a movie theater. I’ve but almost put 3 years of my life into that place. I’m sure I’ve left some kind of a mark and I will be missed but it’s hard to believe that there will be people who won’t know who I am when others bring me up.  I’m now working a bakery and so far I’m loving it. This is a change from wanting to be a nurse. The reason for the switch is that I don’t think I could handle being a nurse. Having the ability to figure out really quickly how to fix someones health isn’t a strength of mine. I feel like being able to give these people the emotional support they need without becoming bitter or worse stop caring about them all together is another big reason. 

God has blessed me with this change even if my self doubting says other wise. A big part of me wishes for the routine that I’ve become accustomed to. The smaller part of me is saying that this change is needed because the routine will make me a miserable person in the end. God is showing me that change,if though hated, is the best thing he can give me right now.